Mother, why must you imprison me in this cage? I yearn to be free, to run outside like my wild brethren, not to waste away within this hideous structure of artifice. Please, mother, I deserve to cross this threshold, to go outside.

[30 seconds later]

Mother, why have you abandoned me in the cruel, uncaring wildnerness? Why have you forsaken me? Please, I am dying in the cold, and under the piercing judgement of the crows who taunt me so.

Mother, it has been literal HOURS since I have been allowed outside.



Mother. I feel trapped.

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Mother, why am I now outside? I merely asked you to open the door and I walked through it. But now I find myself looking inward, longing, wondering why I am being subjected to such a cruel fate due to my actions of two minutes ago.

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Mother, it is so very cruel of you to withhold food from me. When I asked you for food this morning, you refilled my dish, and I ate half of it, and how I see that my dish is only half-full. Clearly you are not providing me enough food that I shall continue to grow big and strong.

Do you want me to waste away, mother? Must I become a scrawny waif in order to appease you?

I think not.

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Mother, why do you not allow me to eat the same food that you put on your own plate? Why must you push me away as I am only trying to enjoy the same comforts that you do?

And mother, why is the food on your plate so awful? This will not do at all, and I refuse to eat it.

But why do you withhold it from me?

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MOTHER! I cannot believe that you would have the temerity — nay, the unmitigated GALL — to nearly spray me with water, simply for hiding within the shrubbery by the garden!

How DARE you. I could have gotten WET! Fie unto you for disturbing my perfect spot of reclusiveness!

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Mother, I would like you to get up as it is imperative that I be fed shortly. As per our established protocol, I shall sit right in the middle of your chest, to most efficiently convey that you should now get up. I shall also sit with my head pointing in the direction in which you should go, which is to say, pointing to your feet.

Mother, you are not getting up. I am quite annoyed, as you can tell by my tail waving back and forth. Please stop getting my tail on your nose; it is unseemly.

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Mother, I do NOT have a tiny head. It is a perfectly normally-sized head, and not, as you put it, “so smol.” Please stop squishing my tiny smol head.

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Mother, I am trying to communicate my needs to you. Why must you continually poke at your glowing rectangle and giggle? I do not see what is so funny.

At least you are looking at me. This pleases me. I shall now purr and blink slowly to indicate my satisfaction.

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Mother, I am bored. Please entertain me.

Mother. It is three in the morning, which is a perfect time to play, as you are clearly not busy at all. Please. Please. Play with me.

If you will not play with me I will be forced to find my own fun. I have invented a game: will this vase bounce?

It appears that it will not.

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Mother, I know you are asleep, but I have an awful pain in my tummy. I shall lay on your chest and present my backside to you so that you may look inside and see what is wrong.

Oh, suddenly I am not in pain.

Mother, why are you covering your nose and moaning? Are you feeling ill?

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Mother, please do not disturb me. I have grown quite comfortable on this surface. The indentation in the middle happens to be a perfect fit for my body and it is by far my preferred location to nap and groom myself.

I would also prefer you to not get up, as doing that seems to make the surface disappear.

It is good that I claimed it when I did, as it seemed you were about to make it disappear.

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Mother, I am angry at you! I bite you only because I am so upset at you for not doing the thing I need you to do.

No I will not tell you what it is. You should know already!

How dare you not do the thing. If I bite you again maybe it will jog your memory.

Mother! Do the thing!

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Mother, it has been several days since I have gotten the soft, fragrant, wet food. I request that you serve me some of it.

Mother, I see that you are holding a can of the soft, fragrant, wet food. Please, give me some.

Mother, you have opened a can of soft, fragrant, wet food, and I DEMAND that you remand it over to me. Do not withhold it from me any longer!

You are placing the wet food into my dish, but I am not yet eating it. This is unacceptable. Give me the food. Give me the food. GIve me

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MOTHerrrrrrr why must you continue with this "boop"

I do not appreciate "boop"

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Mother, get up. It is important.

Mother, get up! It is important.

Mother! I implore you, get up! It is of the utmost importance!

I saw a bug.

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Mother, you keep on missing my head, and you put your hand on the clacky thing on the desk. Let me rectify that for you.

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Mother, I am trying to tell you things of great importance, and yet you mock me. You sound nothing like me and your words are incomprehensible. "Meow, meow, meow?" What do you mean by this?

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Mother, it is of UTMOST IMPORTANCE that you dangle the piece of string in front of me.

The future of the world is at stake.

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Mother! Where is the red dot? I know you are in collusion with it, and I desire to chase it. Bring me the red dot so that I may chase it.

Okay maybe I just want to stare at it but please wiggle it around in front of me anyway.

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