Amelia @mordremoth@lgbt.io

This is my sociopolitical account. I also post nerdy stuff to @AmethystDragon.

I will be unapologetically queer on both.

I finally managed to crystallize a sentiment that I've been brewing for the better part of a year now, and have left glimpses of in prior posts here.

It's a bit of a read, but it's from the heart.

https://starshipgender.blogspot.com/2019/12/other-by-default.html

Boosts appreciated, if you like the sentiment (or, you know, if you don't like it but want to help prove my point for some reason).

:-)

It's true, what they say, that a rising tide lifts all boats. But the analogy is, as analogies always are, imperfect.

The collective of humanity moves forwards; sometimes we take steps back in some areas, but over time, change simply happens. And on a long enough time scale, change tends to be positive for the world.

So the things we wish to leave behind can simply sink under the waves.

The realities we wish to reach can guide us - as the stars have done for sailors, for ages.

As long as we pause to help the floundering, the fleet gets bigger.

If the world seems dark and bleak, look for the ones who can shine those lights of hope.

And if your light burns brightly, consider taking the time to help those who are steering by it.

Be lovely to each other. ❤

i dream of a world where people can come together, share a chuckle about our similarities, and get on with the good bit - where we revel in our differences.

nite, lovely people. be excellent to each other.

Ame'lyeh fhtagn.

Recently found out about this interesting little tool from a fedi friend who I'll leave unnamed for their privacy (but thank you, profusely, for this by the way):

http://traumadissociation.com/des

From my experiences about four years ago, as best I can remember, I scored very high. That was the peak of things being bad in my life.

In the interim, I've done... a lot of work. Including three years (to the day today!) of hormone therapy, and a metric boatload of emotional and somatic therapy.

My numbers today are less than half what they would have been in 2018.

It's both sobering to realize how severely awful things were (and how badly I'd been coerced into disbelieving it was even a problem), and also somehow deeply validating that I've been able to change things this much, in such a relatively short time - given that my experiences of abuse began in infancy and lasted over 30 years.

(For reference, pre score was 52.3, current score is 25.1. Common average for PTSD is cited as 31.)

So I need to start getting more rigorous about tracking my migraines it seems.

Thus far I'm just manually writing notes, but I want an upgrade. Being a total nerd, I'm trying to figure out if there's any good, preexisting app for this kind of thing, with a few specific criteria:

- Android (or Windows if need be).

- Data privacy. No cloud uploads, no sharing, etc. Manual export/import for backup is fine, but I don't need my chronic pain details out in the aether.

- Customization is nice but not mandatory.

- Extra bonus points for coming preloaded with common things to track (symptoms, trigger factors, etc).

Boosts and/or suggestions much appreciated!

Life is kind of like improv pottery.

We don't always get to choose what gets thrown at us, or what sticks to us.

But we can always, always choose what we try to shape it all into.

Turns out getting some third party intervention was exactly what was needed. Did not expect a conversation with an HR department to end up going wildly in my favor, but deeply relieved and grateful that it did.

I don't vent here often, but... Ugh, I need to get this one out.

I am deeply fucking sick of people who refuse to listen. Who I've asked, dozens of times over the past year and a half, for the simplest, tiniest accommodations and consideration.

Today, after six months of deteriorating performance, reporting almost every week that I'm frustrated and unhappy with their treatment of me and refusal to even acknowledge my complaints, I finally melted down in a meeting and screamed at four people for - yet again - ignoring a basic request.

And the fuckers looked at me as if I'd grown three fucking heads. Like they'd never heard anything about this before. Just before I totally lost my shit, I specifically spelled out two basic steps needed to satisfy my request.

One responded "that's a lot of information to digest right now" - two. Fucking. Sentences. I called him on his shit, loudly.

And then the second one: "I don't know what to do with this."

Why do otherwise competent, intelligent adults suddenly turn into hapless children the instant someone asks them for help with a disability?

I've spent the entire day now failing to escape the anxiety spiral. I feel like the best possible scenario is they act like they give a shit for about a week before "forgetting" again. But I'm mostly just convinced that, yet again, I'll be the villain, they'll say shit about me behind my back and side-eye me for a few months, and I'll finally decide to stop putting up with their shit.

Fuck this so, so much.

I'm slowly beginning to realize how much of my anxiety around acceptance and being liked stems from patterns wedged into my mind by various abusers (and one very horrid person in particular).

I lost a lot of friends and potential social connections in the area because he made a point of isolating me and poisoning every other relationship I had. And of course he made it all out to be my fault the entire time.

I know for a fact he was a prolific liar and made a regular habit of turning people against each other, but somehow it'd never fully clicked into place in my brain that of course he'd done the same to me.

My enduring, stubborn sense of being irredeemably unlikable and unworthy of anyone's interest or time (let alone desire!) isn't even... mine, in any real sense.

It's just another vestige of his gaslighting and manipulation.

It was a rather belated realization, admittedly, but today it dawned on me that I can finally stash things in my bra for short term transit, if pocket space is lacking.

#TransJoy

Well, science finally outright states something that white colonizer erasure has tried to keep hidden for decades, while pre-colonized cultures have known this for thousands of years: depression isn't a chemical accident in the brain, it's a response to actual lived experiences.

And the cure isn't expensive pills, but rather community support and safe human connection.

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-022-01661-0

I feel like being trans opens up so many experiences and perspectives on life that just wouldn't be available otherwise.

Today's tiny (but deeply gratifying) example: getting targeted advertising for makeup products, and then realizing that while most cis women in my age bracket are gradually adding products to *hide* details of their changing appearance, I'm celebrating the gradual elimination of my desire to do anything to alter my look at all.

#TransJoy

Typos can lead to such weird places... Like me daydreaming about playing a free Stargate MMO called Goa'uld Wars.

My curtains that face the street form a trans pride flag. I just got a text message from a DoorDash delivery driver saying they love them.

I don't really know what I expected from putting them up (they've been like this for months) but it felt really good to hear that.

#TransJoy

This is my sociopolitical account. I also post nerdy stuff to @AmethystDragon.

I will be unapologetically queer on both.

Now that legbutt is back in action, I'm going to actually try and start differentiating my two accounts properly again.

Someday I will join a Discord server for trans nerds and *not* be surprised to see names I recognize from the fediverse there.

That day is not today.

The universe is built upon certain fundamental constants, including such noteworthy examples as Pi, the speed of light in a vacuum, and holy heck I am very gay.

As best I can tell, this is the third generation of rabbits that has grown up in my garden now, and the effects of my presence seem to be less and less each generation. Each new batch of kits seems happier to be around me.

These pics are through a window, sure, but they let me stand no less than a meter away and watch them for several minutes, throwing the occasional glance up at me.

This one in particular will also openly forage while I'm also outside, which is new.

They grow up so fast