In other news a friend's streams have got me inspired to try and learn to do arty things again having never really stuck to it or created anything even slightly worth looking at

So I made a baby and I like the baby

I can see more than a few errors now it's done, but I'm honestly pretty proud of it

Selfie, MH, COVID 

I've been trying to get out more, to meet people

I wanted to before the end of my most recent relationship, partly because of the strain it was putting on it, partly for my own loneliness

But it's terrifying, every time I got anywhere I'm on packed public transport, or somebody I saw reports a positive test afterwards

I'm honestly amazed I don't look as exhausted as I can feel - I'm still looking very good

3D Rendering, musings on art (+) 

You know... aside from fulfilling the wishes of 10 year-old me... I think there's a big thing for current me in all this 3D stuff...

I've been wanting to find a visual artform that works for me for a long time

I used to really love photography, although my style was very spontaneous and didn't require a whole lot of setup - only the editing felt like a "process". Shooting just felt like second nature - I knew my way round the technicals and that was enough for me
But then I tried to take a (dreadfully poor quality) qualification in college and... the excessive academic analysis, the constant being forced into styles and forms that didn't speak to me, and the frustration that came with all the deadlines just... completely sucked the joy out of it for me. I haven't been able to really pick up a camera in about 7 years, no matter how much I tried

But I've tried my hand at a lot of different visual forms since, to try and fill that void but... I never really found much joy in the process and the learning

Yet I come round to this and... I enjoy screwing up. I enjoy the little triumphs. I enjoy being in those "in-between" stages where nothing has any real form. I love starting from those little blank canvas primatives and just pulling them about and extruding them in all sorts of wonderful ways as I see things take shape

I've finally found something where the journey is even more enjoyable than the destination - at long last

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Childhood wish fulfilment, 3D rendering 

I've wanted to learn to work with 3D models since I was about 10

14 years later I'm finally learning and my inner child couldn't be happier with the fact that, not only am I learning, but I also actually FINISHED A THING

Is it good? Not really
Is the lighting and composition right? Absolutely not
Is it even my best attempt so far? Not even close
But am I proud for having finished it? Absolutely

Selfie, eye contact 

On a less terrible note I finally managed, after two years, to find a dress I don't completely hate

In fact, I absolutely love it - leaving seemingly every trans person in a 15 mile radius calling me "beautiful" or "ethereal"

I wore it to Saturday's pride protests and got told not once, but TWICE, that I have of "Kate Bush vibes"

Love this dress

Selfie, eye contact, gender (+) 

Okay I've gone weirdly masc today but let me tell you I am Feeling It

Hot trans moment

Autism/trans overlap 

So I'm doing some research for an intersections workshop that I'm doing with the social group I run for an upcoming LGBT Foundation event and...

I think I'll just tuck this away in my "OH PLEASE GP REFER ME FOR AN ASSESSMENT" folder

This is actually alarmingly accurate to my own experience.

NSFW, nude, boob, boosts okay 

Sometimes I feel confident, hot, and like my therapy is going well

Voiced shitpost, minor horror (unknown entity) 

I've decided integrating my voice work into my comedy gold is the way forward in life

Thanks for your interest in our tours!

When ur really cute friend u absolutely have a crush on sits a bit too close

Sexual abuse 

This is affirming but only in the worst possible way yikes yikes yikes

The "in flux" part was uh.......
Really something

Nsfw - "Monster Fucker Bingo" 

*deep sigh*
Fine, I did it

Leave me alone

Autism, reflecting with friends 

This is what happens when I have a crisis near autistic friends who know me pretty well

Selfie, eye contact, silly euphoria 

When the bus driver calls you "love" and not "mate" 🥰

Institutional transphobia, "genuine occupational requirement" 

You want to know what I'm so pissed off and desperately want to leave care? Bullshit like this

As if it wasn't bad enough that I can be legally discriminated about for being trans, this job is explicitly seeking female support workers - for only male clients - and explicitly excludes trans applicants

This shit is everywhere
I absolutely despise my job, and I despise the sector, even if I love the work itself

Somebody please fucking hire me anywhere else

Abuse, sexual assault 

I'm not sure I was ready for this, but I read cover to cover regardless

I can barely call what he did to me abuse, let alone anything greater or more specific
But I know that I need to
He's going to continue taking up space in my head, tainting everything and everyone that approaches me

But how can I even begin when I feel at fault?
How can I begin when I never vocalised my pain in the moment, only doing it afterwards and simply rolling over at the promise of improvement?
How can I begin when I was made to feel that I wanted it for tying it so closely to my worth?
How can I begin when the first time I didn't say no?
How can I begin when it was all to protect him?

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Selfie, eye contact 

My interview may not have gone well and I now doubt I'llget the job, but at least I look the part

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