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Non-gender related changes enabled by transition, reflection, mention of mh(-), long 

The thing that I definitely didn't expect from accepting that I'm trans is the fucking mad domino effect where I just end up recreating who I used to be when I was like 11 or 12, just balanced off by having more experience

Did I ever expect to want to sing again? Nope
Did I ever expect to be this open again? Nope
Did I ever expect to be calling myself bi again?
Did I ever expect to be exploring spirituality again?
Did I ever expect to be this comfortable acknowledging my naivety again?
Nope, nope and nope

It's all kind of cool, but also really quite terrifying
You hear "You're still the same person"
I don't feel that's true for me. At all. I've still the same vessel, but I've discovered that "me" hasn't inhabited it in a decade. The person I was protecting never existed. I was little more than a collection of defence mechanisms layered over my only remaining part for which I couldn't feel shame - wanting to do go.

So yeah, it's nice to finally feel free enough to explore who I was/am/should be. But that excitement and warmth still has a scary edge to it.

Non-gender related changes enabled by transition, reflection, mention of mh(-), long 

@hannah yeah from the start I wasn't really on board with that I'd be "the same person" for basically the same reasons. So much if my "self" and what I considered aspects of my personality we're coping mechanisms, and now I'm clearly in new territory.

I didn't know what/who my actual self is, we hadn't yet met.

Non-gender related changes enabled by transition, reflection, mention of mh(-), long 

@lawremipsum it never occurred to me, nor had I ever seen anybody say, that there was an option other than "you're the same person except happier for being a girl"

As much as I welcome it, it's quite the surprise to have an experience so far from the more traditional narrative. It's wonderful but also terrifying

I know that the younger me was closer to me, but I can see those defence mechanisms forming already, and that shell building up. There's a little more person under there than that and I intend to find out who she is

Non-gender related changes enabled by transition, reflection, mention of mh(-), long 

@hannah Super relatable and well-said.

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