Had my first sleep paralysis experience this morning and I would describe it as Not Excellent. Phoebe said I was whimpering a bit (we leave a Discord call running overnight so we "sleep" together because we're gay and a bit strange) but I was actively trying to scream because I was absolutely terrified so that was deeply unenjoyable.
PSA: If you're doing research but don't have access to a university library, you should definitely *not* use a website to pirate a large amount of journal articles. That would be illegal and wrong. I post this link so you can bear witness to this unlawful activity. https://mg.scihub.ltd/
Non-gender related changes enabled by transition, reflection, mention of mh(-), long
The thing that I definitely didn't expect from accepting that I'm trans is the fucking mad domino effect where I just end up recreating who I used to be when I was like 11 or 12, just balanced off by having more experience
Did I ever expect to want to sing again? Nope
Did I ever expect to be this open again? Nope
Did I ever expect to be calling myself bi again?
Did I ever expect to be exploring spirituality again?
Did I ever expect to be this comfortable acknowledging my naivety again?
Nope, nope and nope
It's all kind of cool, but also really quite terrifying
You hear "You're still the same person"
I don't feel that's true for me. At all. I've still the same vessel, but I've discovered that "me" hasn't inhabited it in a decade. The person I was protecting never existed. I was little more than a collection of defence mechanisms layered over my only remaining part for which I couldn't feel shame - wanting to do go.
So yeah, it's nice to finally feel free enough to explore who I was/am/should be. But that excitement and warmth still has a scary edge to it.
Identity, section of all caps and loud noise
Me to everyone else in the universe:
"Take it slow, you don't need to work everything out at once. Introspection will become fruitful in its own time, not when you force it forward."
Me, every time I question any part of my identity:
WHEEEE, WHIZZ, WHAM, BANG GOTTA COLLECT A LABEL GOGOGO NO BRAKES HERE
Poly stuff (+), long
It's wonderful experiencing what a positive poly experience feels like
There have been so many situations where I've been worried that the direction that Phoebe and I have gone in would ruin things between her and Katie
Yet that stuff is talked about openly and everything is fine. Even if it's something that needs time to be digested it's just... fine. Maybe not in the long term but there's been no explosions or accusations and nobody seems resentful or angry or suspicious. Myself and Katie still got on despite her probably having every reason to hate me. She still wants to know me better despite Phoebe and I having gotten way closer than we probably should have.
Those two still make each other happy. I love seeing them do that. I love being part of that.
I actually feel happy in this. Really happy. I don't feel anxious or jealous or distrustful. It just feels peaceful.
Bi trans girl slowly working it all out. Slowly.
Selfie boosts always okay and very appreciated by my ego 😘️
We are a Mastodon instance for LGBT+ and alies! ☺