Okay since I'm definitely keeping this account I think it's probably best I did yet another #introduction.
I'm just a wee trans girl desperately trying to re-navigate the world and my identity as I find myself more and more comfortable with myself as I transition.
I've had a rough time the past few years and found myself isolated and disinterested in the things that mattered to me, so I'm working out where my interests really lie, but right now I'm all about:
🎮 Video games
➡️ Looking into getting into casual #gamedev
🎴 Horrible card games
➡️ #MtG, #YuGiOh, #KeyForge
➡️ Mostly wildlife and floral 🌺 🐝 🦌
➡️ Former flautist looking to get back into musical spaces (and actually fix my old one or pick a new one up once I actually have money)
➡️ Consider it a miracle if I'm ever happy enough with anything to either share it or actually finish it
Internalised transphobia, "clocking", mention of mh (-)
I've developed this fucking awful habit of looking for trans indicators in women.
It started of fairly innocently - I was vulnerable when I first started socially transitioning. I was in an awful state. Persistently anxious and depressed after having just pulled myself out of the worst breakdown I've experienced. I needed to be able to spot the people who were like me. It made me feel safe (even if it's quite likely that every trans woman I "clocked" in that time were probably just cis women). We were everywhere, and that reassured me.
But the habit persisted. And now I catch myself doing it all the time. To the point of obsession. And it's morphed from more of a safety thing to an invalidation thing. I've started judging (cis) women negatively where they don't look the picture of femininity. I've judged myself more harshly for not looking like the women that do.
I don't know how to stop. It shouldn't be like this.
I feel guilty. And it's hurting me in other ways than just the guilt. Shouldn't "less feminine" (and god I wish I had a better way to phrase that) women empower me? I don't have to embody every feminine trait to be seen as a woman. They don't, so I shouldn't need to either. But it's not working that way.
Why do I only use it to undermine my own confidence and judge unfairly? What misogynistic shit have I absorbed here? How long until my behaviour starts hurting other trans women?
Why can't I stop?
Trans things (+++++++++++++)
Holy shit so I was on a training course today
Only one person misgendered me, despite me not saying anything, despite me only having met one other person in the room before (that being the one person who did, but only once)
Even got handed some stuff to put away with somebody else and got hit with that sweet, sweet "There you go, girls"
Had to stop myself from giggling like an idiot
HRT Spiro Reminder
To clarify: This is because spiro does not lower your testosterone levels. It only blocks the T from working.
So if your T levels are low, its entirely because of the estrogen/progesterone you're taking. So the spiro is only giving you bad side effects and damaging the estrogenic effect you're getting.
HRT, the UK is garbage, surgery and genitals
Now call me old-fashioned but I was under the impression that any good healthcare programme would be aiming to reduce risks.
So why the hell have I been put under so much stress that I now pretty much actively want a surgical procedure I was perfectly willing to forego up until this point?
HRT, the UK is garbage, surgery and genitals
This whole ordeal has honestly sent me from a place where my stance was quite firmly
"Surgery is all or nothing, but I'm not sure if I want it as things are now because the procedures seem pretty ehhhh"
"Please for the love of God just empty the bag I don't even care anymore I just want the little headachey bastards gone"
HRT, the UK is garbage
"I don't want spironolactone because the evidence against it is pretty yikes. I'd be interested in bicalutamide, if you were willing."
"We can't offer that because of the seriously outdated international standards we adhere to. No other services available to you because you live on a shitty country where cross-referals are expensive and don't happen so I guess you're shit out of luck. Final offer is cyproterone or withdrawal. They're basically the same thing we promise. Let us know your thoughts :)"
I suddenly see why self-medicating is so popular in this country. Even the services railing on the NHS for their shit service are garbage.
Infidelity, abuse adjacent, loneliness, jealousy,long
I hate that my ex completely got away with what he did to me.
I have to keep pretending that we're best friends, because I'm in the fucking shameful position of continuing to need his support. I'm still stuck living with the bastard for another 10 months (9 if I'm lucky). I'm having to pretend that I'm not at all bitter and resentful for all the people and years he stole from me. I have to pretend not to be furious that the girl he went off with behind my back completely adores him. I have to pretend not to know that "I need time" was a lie and it took the two of them three days to get together - and he kept crying and sulking and coming into my room at night weeks after the fact and doing his best to make me feel guilty for daring to finally draw a line. I hate that blames me for things turning out this way because I should never have doubted or been suspicious of him (despite the fact that I clearly had reason to). I hate that she hates me for being angry with her when I trusted her more than I did him and the two of them completely betrayed me and still try to make me feel guilty.
More than anything I hate that they have somebody to love. What did I get stuck with? Nothing. Because of him I don't even have any friends to speak of - they all live half way across the country.
I thought I wanted somebody to love but I honestly just want a friend.
But for all his ill he still has is all, and dares to guilt trip me even now.
Trans thing (+)
Left work at the same time as one of the other women
The woman who took over from us says "Have a good evening, ladies!" as she unlocks the front door for us
Get in my car
Pause for a second
"Wait I'm ladies"
Squeal with excitement
Correct pronouns are nice and all, but they can get pretty expected, especially when you've got a good employer who actually tries to enforce them
But being correctly gendered in group address? Especially when there's literally no way you were accidentally caught up in a giant sweeping thing?
I've been beaming all night because of it I'm so happy holy heck
Internalised transphobia, guilt
I never realise how much I took on board the "trans is a thing people do for attention" message when I was younger because it doesn't play out in most interactions.
Somebody shoots me with pronouns and that's cool. Fine. Whatever.
The minute it's a celebrity? Ridiculous suspicion. Excessive.
Sam Smith being a recent example. Oh, you're non-binary? Yeah, I bet. Spotlight getting a bit dark over there? Step off, you're hurting actual enbies making yourself the centre of attention like that.
It's really fucking awful and I really don't know how I can begin to shake it. I'm aware but like... What the hell do I do with that?
At least I didn't react negative to the announcement of their pronouns yesterday. But I don't think that's indicative of any real change. After all, they'd already come out several weeks prior. I'd had time to work it out and be less of an arsehole
Misgendering, dementia, work gripes with a very mild sprinkling of positivity I suppose
One of the men I support seems to have finally learned my name, and used it when asking for me today. Which was nice.
Then he seemed to forget later and was shocked to hear it ("Hannah? He's a man?"). Colleague who was with me corrected him ("No, that's Hannah. She's a woman"). He answers back ("Huh? No he's not? What?). This goes back and forth a bit until he gets distracted by something and forgets the matter entirely.
I'm glad everybody at work is so supportive, but it's really rough coming from people who really don't have a filter. And this almost certainly won't be the last time he and I go through this. Between severe learning difficulties, being a stubborn old man and vascular dementia I really doubt this conversation won't come up time and time again.
It's such a shame because I really love him, despite what hard work he specifically can be. But this was kind of crushing.
Nothing but support and positivity from the people I work with, yet there's no preventing this.
I'm done moving accounts every five minutes now, I promise
We are a Mastodon instance for LGBT+ and alies! ☺