Mh(-), pol, long-distance relationship, heavy sarcasm
Truly love that the single best relationship I have been in, and the only one that genuinely feels like it could last for the very long term that I actually want it for, hinges almost entirely on the results of an election in a country famous for its voter suppression and that I don't live in nor can contribute to in any meaningful way and looks very much like it isn't going to go the way we both want it to
Great world we live in I love countries they're such a wonderful concept that have never ruined anything ever
(WARNING: Very gushy paragraph)
I have never felt so uniquely understood by, nor so wanted by, nor so respected by, nor so comfortable with, nor so understanding of, nor so interested in, nor so aligned with, nor so capable of doing good for,any other person in my life
Phoebe has thoroughly spoiled me and I honestly believe they've set an obscenely high bar that I really fail to see how any long term relationship could ever satisfy if things don't work out between us
We do each other immense good, despite all the obstacles we've faced together, and others regularly make note of how in sync we are, of how happy we clearly make each other and of how well we communicate - and they don't even see the half of it
To have the future for that kind of a relationship be taken entirely out of my hands, and almost entirely out of theirs when success is ALREADY super uncertain... that really, really hurts
Gender, massive ramble that shows how uneducated I am
Really loving (not loving at all) how I can make jokes about my binary gender one minute and be questioning whether I'm being honest with myself in saying that and getting into a right tizzy over it the next
Where is the line between gender and differential address?
What address do I even want?
I'm comfortable where I am but there are explorations that are screaming to be done
Does that mean something isn't quite right?
Pronouns don't equal gender, and address doesn't necessarily equal gender either but at what point do I say that becomes indicative of something internal?
I want to experiment
I'm scared to experiment
I don't want to experiment
I feel some responsibility to experiment
I feel all of the above entirely independent of each other
I'm so deeply obsessive over having the "right" labels despite subscribing to the philosophy of "labels are bullshit and will never capture your core and are only useful as signposts for others and should not define you"
I can't cast off that obsession despite my full acknowledgement that language is entirely and wholly limited
I've tried just calling myself "queer" and...
Yeah, that's totally right
But it's also not enough
I need supplement
But how far down does this obsession go?
Accruing more labels will not make a more accurate image of myself
The only solid knowledge I have of myself is that "they" - and specifically its implication of an unknown - is uncomfortable for me
the people around you will get on fine without whatever you think they need you to keep on pretending to be.
You'll be infinitely more capable as the person you actually are.
Hammering a round peg into a square hole endlessly may feel like you're getting stuff done, but there are a million square pegs that could be doing that. You dont have to sacrifice your round ass at that altar.
if you want to be a girl, be a girl.
and if you dont, dont.
But fears of how other people will react, or what you think other people's expectations of you are, what you should live up to, with your body, with your heritage, with your politics - they're all external factors.
They are not who you are at your core.
My feelings on gender as a concept, and my feelings *of* gender are in completely in opposition to one another and it SUCKS
22 | Trans, bi and in constant turmoil over some aspect of identity or another
One day I might develop a personality and actually have something to put in here
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