"I'm having a day, a week, a month..."
I recognize myself so much in this. I kept chugging along, for years, just one more crisis to manage, where to live, how to eat, how to pay rent. Get through my courses so I'd be eligible for student loan so I could do those things.
Watching this video, really hits home. I've not felt purpose in a very long time, until just recently (the past few months).
When someone asked how I was doing? "Good and bad, chaotic but smiling. He he he" I'd laugh it off, the bad. The stress. The chaos. Sometimes I'd rant for a few minutes on what's been up. Like when I moved 6 times in 2.5 years, and didn't know where I lived anymore.
I still have nightmares of not knowing where I live.
That awkward, nervous laugh... It's just to stay alive, "if you smile you trick your brain that you're actually happy"...
last year I made a new friend, who lived here in the house. She always smiled and was very cheerful. But I could see that behind her eyes were unhappiness. She was suffering as much as I was. We met before I got sick-leave due to my exhaustion.
Other people around us said "Uhhg, she's so false, always cheery and smiling all the time"... I'd sit in silence regarding this, most of the time. Until I didn't. "we have to trick ourselves, to stay alive, by smiling" is what I wanted to say.
I ended up with, not wanting to out her, out that her mom had brain cancer, and that she was as stressed and broken as I was (the few conversations we'd had had revealed this), saying: "You know, you don't know what she goes through, you don't know what's behind that smile, some people just use it as a coping mechanism, to keep swimming". Maybe that wasn't the exact words... But that's what I tried to say.
@maloki Kinda why I join communities online. Useally related someone to Linux and open source stuff. To distract myself from the crap going on in my own life, and possible make friends and potentially help someone. Which may not be financial help but help none the less.