Okay, I'm now at @hannah and I promise I won't be moving again unless something super drastic happens
I'll redirect this account in a few days
Right the uncertainty over whether I'm going to use this account in the future is actually making me less inclined to use it so I guess I'll jump over now
I'll post again in a moment with where to follow me again
I promise this is the last time I'm moving, the experiment is over and the experiment failed but I still want rid of this awkward name
Think I'm just going to ditch the secondary account I have on another instance, splitting things up like this is just making me less inclined to use Masto
Only problem is that I really want to change the name of this account but I'm not sure I can be bothered nuking it yet again
And that's aside from it being annoying for everyone else oops
Thinking about how websites in the 90s and early 2000s all followed similar naming patterns
Thing-planet/world/land dot whatever
And in retrospect, I really miss dedicated fansites with forums so I didn't have to see every single fandom at the same time like we do on social media because now it's totally disorganized.
Unending sexuality confusion, transphobia mention
In other news I sometimes feel like I'm getting closer to working out whether I'm attracted to women. Other times not so much still.
Problem is I spent so much of my life avoiding being romantically involved with women
a) Because scary trans feelings
b) Because that would invalidate the gay hypothesis and then I'd have no other explanation as to why I felt so totally out of place
c) Social pressure to remain gay man or otherwise completely throw away all credibility that I had in identifying myself (because obviously people can't change; why do we insist on this consistency?)
But there's also the other things that's kind of scary - this ridiculous idea that trans women are just predators targetting lesbians. It's obviously a ridiculous and stupid notion, but I obviously don't want any excuse to be attacked in that way.
Then there's my parents. Come out as gay, but then later come out as trans and potentially bi? Two things they openly admit they think aren't real and just said for attention? Yikes.
Of course there's always the core issue of "Is this attraction? Am I projecting? Is this something else or nothing at all? Am I only questioning this because all my recent relationships with men have been disastrous? Are all these questions just ways to avoid admitting things?"
It's frustrating having felt so certain of my sexuality for so many years - but I can't even have that little bit of certainty anymore.
Name change things, brief caps at the end
Getting round to all the service and crap that I couldn't easily change my name with that weren't too important to get done right away.
I'm not getting any better at sending these requests. I honestly hate feeling the need to explain myself and declare that I'm trans so that I can always fill the need to meet some arbitrary "good reason" criteria.
How about just let me change it myself? It's not like you're providing anything that could bring up legal complications I'M LOOKING AT YOU WIZARDS OF THE COAST TRANS FRIENDLY MY FOOT
Relationship ending (-), reference to abuse, manipulation
God I am getting this real urge to apologise to everybody I ever hurt because of him
I lost so many friends through him; whole communities
I cut people off who didn't deserve it because of his short temper and "you're supposed to love me, you can't let them get away with it"
God I wish I'd seen how fucked up things could get back then
I'm just so glad I stood my ground on my IRL friends. I'd have nobody left if I'd caved to that
Ending relationship (-),abuse?, infidelity, implied dysphoria, big rant (6/6)
I could go on and on about the feud he had with one of my friends that they both refused to speak to me about in detail (which another friend informed me just after the breakup involved my ex not taking too well after said friend called him out for pushing way too hard and being way too forceful in pursuing a sexual relationship with him whilst he (my friend) was recovering from his own breakup).
I could go on about how his behaviour left at least one of my friends concerned that my transition was brought on by him rather than my own genuine need.
I could even talk about how he often compared my appearance to that of his abusive ex. Or how when he talked to me about his loss of attraction he had to explicitly make it about sexuality and how he felt his bisexuality was fading and he just doesn't feel attracted to male bodies anymore (and okay, it's a perfectly fine explanation, and he's always been supportive of my transition otherwise, but the fact that he *constantly* felt the need to say it? Suspect.)
And then combining the two. My male body was unattractive now BECAUSE of his abusive ex.
The tragic thing is that I genuinely believe he loves me and wanted the best for me. That's what hurts. I genuinely believe that. He's distraught over us having split up, despite him basically having another relationship lined up. I don't believe he genuinely meant harm. And that's really scary.
Ending relationship (-),abuse?, big rant (5/?)
But I spoke to my friends after this all went down and I brought us to an end. And they never stopped being concerned about me being abused. When I disappeared off the face of the earth they apparently were genuinely concerned that he'd done something to me.
Of course, he hadn't. I had my own struggles. I shut myself off from feeling so overwhelmed. I felt crushed and isolated. The typical loneliness making you lonelier cycle. The first year of university away from everybody I knew when I felt completely socially inept and anxious.
But, worryingly in hindsight, this was the high point in our relationship. There was never a problem. Not one. I felt close to him when there was nobody else there. He never coerced me into anything, never made me feel guilty about anything.
We were best together when I had nobody else.
It's so obvious now, but I just could not see that until my friends, now that I'm on the other end of this relationship, were able to finally voice the concerns they had because they didn't want to lose track of me while I was with him. They didn't want me to shut them off for criticising my precious boyfriend.
Ending relationship (-), infidelity,abuse?, big rant (4/?)
The biggest red flag was the fact that I regularly had to ask myself if the relationship is, or was about to become, abusive. But of course he never once raised a hand against me that threw me into doubt.
Hell, I'm still not sure even now.
And that's largely because there was so much good in that relationship and I did genuinely adore him. We had our silly dreams of the future, same as any other couple. We had our in-jokes and our cute things that we did together that were distinctly ours.
But when friends feel the need to ask if I was being abused before anything had ever gone wrong between us? That should have set of giant sirens in my head.
Because as much as I did genuinely adore him, for the last year and a half I have felt completely trapped in this relationship. And at least some of it came from a place other than "I love him too much to let go". There was so much fear. Fear about what he might share or say or even do to himself.
But I never feared physical or sexual retort, so I guess it can't be *real* abuse, can it?
The fact that he lied to me about the number of people he's slept with ("Just my ex") when I was deciding whether or not Iwas okay with him not using protection, then claiming that actually he'd forgotten that he slept with a lot of people as a coping mechanism for loneliness shortly before he got with me just after out first poly incident can't possibly contribute to it being abusive, can it?
Ending relationship (-), abuse?, big rant (3/?)
And do you know what? There were so many warning signs so much sooner. The posting of cropped versions of my lewds in public spaces to jokingly "expose me" (leaving me absolutely fucking terrified that he might actually post something actually incriminating rather that just a mystery patch of skin or a shoulder).
The fact that he seemed to have a need to insult all my friends and constantly go on to me about how horrible they are and how they hate him for "no reason" (thankfully I was having none of that).
The fact that his entitled attitude constantly shone through.
The fact that everything in our relationship felt like it had to be some kind of transaction - constantly reminding me of the value of gifts (which I felt guilty receiving because I wasn't able to return it, which isn't unique to him and a problem with me IN GENERAL that he was aware of) whilst also claiming that there's no need to feel guilty (until we had an argument of course, then he'd make sure to remind me of the value - monetary, sentimental or otherwise - of the things he gave me).
And oh my god his superiority complex was something else. He always knew better than your average idiot. Only he understood nuance and sensible thought.
There was just so much wrong with him that I didn't see, or I just hand-waved away as him not being socially adept.
Ending relationship (-), infidelity, abuse?, mention of self-harm, big rant (2/?)
It's even more frustrating when I think about how we're now a month and a half into living with each other, and we're now stuck together for a whole year because of out rental contract.
This relationship went sour ages ago. I've thought I should leave so many times because it got so toxic. But I felt such a ridiculous amount of stewardship over him that I just couldn't leave. His depression would seem to get worse at any time leaving seemed to make sense - sometimes to the point of cutting again. And sure, I still had feelings for him making it harder. But I'd managed to find that headspace of "love isn't enough for this" so many times only to have it immediately yanked from under me.
I should have left when he tried to convince me to have us go into a poly relationship (which he later admitted he knew I wasn't comfortable with). I should have left when he seemingly felt so entitled to a committed relationship with the girl we were doing this with when she made it abundantly clear she only wanted something more casual because she was a lesbian exploring the possibility that she may be bisexual (and bear in mind that all throughout this I thought I was a cis gay). I should have left when the 'end' of that relationship resulted in him presenting me with a choice of either "we take a break" or "we have an open relationship" which - surprise, surprise - he knew I wasn't okay with.
Ending relationship (-), infidelity, abuse?, big rant (1/?)
My now-ex boyfriend is driving me slightly mad. The LAST thing I need right now is for him to be so clingy and physical.
You know I'm not comfortable being touched by friends, you know I want some space, you know I'm pissed off with you for taking the coward's way out and cheating instead of just breaking up with me, you know I want fully to distance myself because I still love you as much as you do me despite our agreement that your lack of attraction to me is too much of a block and your belief that it can't be fixed seals the deal.
Sure, I can understand him needing hugs when he bursts into tears over this, but the touchy-feely way of things outside of that is so uncomfortable right now - and I'd barely be comfortable with it with friends I HADN'T just broken up with.
I'm that one girl that hates herself enough to play Yu-Gi-Oh
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